So, my iPhone works, and even has the right phone number, and it was super easy. All it took was 5 days (+2 bonus days for clean-up), 4 SIM cards, 40 to 60 hours of my time, and one temporarily dead car.
Here's a hint (provided by AT&T) if you are porting a number that originated out of state: Lie and say that your address is your old address from the state of origination. And here's a hint (provided by me) if your number is officially ported and your phone still doesn't work: Activate one more time through iTunes, claiming that you are an existing customer. The people on the phone (both AT&T and Apple) will tell you absolutely not to do this, but it is the correct solution.
Once my number was ported, Sprint (my previous carrier) sent me my final bill via email. Naturally, I tried to log into their website to pay it. After being unable to login I tried retrieving my password (what the heck, right?), only I don't seem to exist in their system. A call to their AVR system yielded more of the same. Oh goody, I get to talk to a person -- or, at least, to try to. A late call on Wednesday saw me hanging up in frustration after 25 minutes. Bear in ming here that I am calling them so that I can give them money. All it took was 40 minutes on hold on Thursday night to finally speak to a person. A person who promptly told me I had to speak to finance. I tried to get a direct number for finance (to publish on the internet, though I neglected to mention that fact to the young lady to whom I was speaking), but apparently they "don't have a phone number for that department". After a transfer I was able to pay my bill. (Well, either that or have somebody steal my credit card number.)
Hopefully with this taken care of we can get back to fire and bad puns and daylight savings time, and refrain from furthering this phone cell phone-related series of comics.